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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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First thing, I’m mixing dough for my famous koulouri. You know, those sesame-covered bread rings? Yeah, those. I’m all pumped, thinking today’s gonna be chill. But then, boom! My mixer decides to throw a tantrum. Like, seriously? It’s 5 AM! I’m cursing under my breath, “Come on, you piece of junk!” I swear, if that thing could talk, it’d be like, “Nah, not today, buddy!”

Remains of Fallen Greek Soldiers in 1974 Cyprus Invasion Repatriated (video-photos)